a few nights a go i was on msn as usual, chatting away to a friend of mine, when she asked me, after reading my last post, had i ever been alone in a crowed room, and what i meant by it. Then she said she felt like an indepth conversation, unless i didn’t want one. To be honest i was really tired at this point and when she said this i cringed and really couldn’t be bothered, sorry if your reading this lol, but i chatted away anyway, and i’m very glad i did. To describe what i meant by “ever been alone..” i said basically your surrounded by friends, but yet somehow you feel alone, like there is no one there who would even realise if you left, yes some of them may be good friends, but you just feel that you dont belong, that your not part of it…
“but you seem like a people person?”
“Exactly, ’seem’ like.” Yes, true friends never really declare themselves as that to you, but there is always that doubt in the back of your mind of who really know you. Being honest very very few of my ‘friends’ know me completely, there is a lot of stuff about me people don’t know. Then when you think that someone is a true friend you start telling them these things, bearing your soul, becoming vulnerable, and you suddenly realise that maybe they aren’t as good a friend as you previously thought when either they don’t care about you, or think your weird/a freak/etc and scarper cause your not what they thought you were.
It is crap that that is one of the few ways nowadays to fond who truly cares for you and is there for you. But very few people do this, have deep serious conversations with their friends about their lives. This one was the first one i had had in a long time. It all goes back to being scared of people seeing the real you and not being able to cope or not wanting anything to do with you.
People need to be more like children, say what is on their mind and just not care about any repercussions it could cause. Yes in some ways it could be bad, but it would get out in the open anything that needed to be said, or what you were really feeling, or even just showing the real you. That way you can see who are your friends.
But on that topic we talked about ‘best’ friends. I said how personally i don’t think i have ever been called a best friend, and i’m glad i haven’t, i think its puts too much pressure on you. I don’t really believe in best friends, just friends who to some you are closer to than others, and the others are there waiting for you to get closer.
The phrase ‘best friend’ has, I feel, lost it’s real meaning in today’s society
However to have a deep conversation about life, love, everything, you really just need it to be with someone special, who you know wont run away, who wont judge you, who will listen and try to understand, you just need to find that person. It’s a very spontaneous random thing though, you can’t say to someone “today we’re going to have a deep conversation,” just need to find that moment and not let it slip past without taking advantage of it.
We need to just be ourselves, stop hiding our true selves, speak our minds, and yes we may lose friends because of it, but the ones we keep will be the only ones you really need in your life, ’cause they will care for you and help you with anything your going through.
Over the coming days, weeks, months i plan to try and be more like this. To freely speak my mind, to get closer to my friends, and not let any opportunities pass me by. I may seem like a completely different person, but all i’m going to do is be the real me…